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Ole had a doctor's appointment and was very hard of hearing so he took Lena with him to help. When they got into the examining room, the Dr. told the Ole to take off his shirt. The Ole turned to Lena and shouted, "What did he say?" and Lena got closer in his ear and yelled, "Take your shirt off!" Ole nodded and took his shirt off.

The Dr. then asked Ole to tilt his head back so that he could have a better look down his throat. Ole shouted, "What?" and Lena got closer to his ear and yelled, "Tilt your head back and open your mouth." Ole nodded and tilted his head back.

When this was all over, the Dr. said, "OK, now all I need is a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample. Ole yelled, "What?" and Lena got closer to his ear and yelled, "The Dr. wants your shorts!" (Thanks for the joke Bruce)

Ole went to the doctor for a physical. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live". Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the kitchen. Soon heavenly aroma came from the kitchen. Lena was making his favorite cookies! "Lena must really love me" he thought. Ole went into the kitchen and started to take a cookie - Lena slaped his hand away and said "the cookies are for the funeral" !!! (Thanks Charles)

One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and having just returned from church with Lena he was feeling a little religious.

"God," said Ole, "vhen you made Lena, vhy did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant to hold?"
Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole."
"Vell then vhy, oh vhy," asked Ole, "vhy Lord did you make her so stupid?"
"Because," said the voice, "so she would love you."

Lena decided that she and Ole needed a bit of culture so she purchased tickets to the ballet. That evening after watching the performance for about 30 minutes Ole leaned over to Lena and whispered in her ear, "I don't see vhy dey dance on their toes. Vhy don't dey yust get taller dancers?"

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena Said, "Ole, you can go farther if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.

Ole and Lena are married, of course ya know. Vell von day Lena comes home in da afternoon from shoppin' and she finds Ole is aready home now, sittin'on da couch.

"Vat da heck ya doin' already home?"

"I lost my yob...I vas fired!" Ole says

"Vat da heck did dey fire ya for?" asked Lena

"I got caught vit my peter in da pickle slicer." Ole says, sheepishly.

"Oh, my! Let me see it" Lena exclaimed as she grabs Ole's pants and pulls them down to his ankles.

"Vy, you look yust fine! Vat happened to the pickle slicer?" asked Lena

"Yah, vell" says Ole, "she got fired too."

Ole and Lena had gone out to the outhouse. When Ole got ready to sit down a quarter dropped out of his pocket and fell in. Ole quickly grabbed his wallet and his watch and threw them down the hole too.

Lena yelled, "vat da heck ya do dat for?"

Ole said, "I'm not going down der for yust a quarter."

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said "are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."

Ole and Lena were getting up there in years and one evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers. Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee.

"Lena" says Ole, "vat ever happened to our sex relations?"

"Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I don't even think ve got a card from dem last Christmas."

Did you hear that Lena had to stop using the pill...
it kept falling out!

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Sven inquired how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said Ole, "I talked her into change to play the clarinet."

"How come?" asked Sven.

"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith the clarinet, she can't sing
along vit it."

Ole took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to Ole in a friendly manner. "Look," he said, "let's play a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't answer it then you buy ME a drink. Okay?"
"Ya," says Ole, "dat sounds purty good to me".
The Indian proceeded to ask Ole, "My father and mother had one child. It wasnt' my brother and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
Ole scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was me," laughed the Indian. So Ole paid for the Indian's drink.
When Ole got back home to Minnesota he ran into Sven in a bar. "Sven," Ole says, "I got a game for you to play. If you can answer the question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Okay?" Sven agreed.
"Ok...my fadder and mudder had vun kid. It vasnt' my brudder and it vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
Search me," said Sven, "I give up, who was it?"
Ole says, "It vas some Indian up der in Fargo, North Dakata."

Ole and Sven were out fishing in the boat when Ole felt a tug on his line. When he reeled in his catch he discovered it was only an old lamp. While Ole was rubbing it dry there was a sudden "puff" and a genie appeared out of the lamp. "Thank for freeing me from the lamp" said the genie. To show my gratitude I will grant you one wish. After thinking for a few minutes Ole finally told the genie that his wish is for all of the water in the lake to turn into beer. At Ole's request the genie raised his hands and "puff", the lake turned to beer. "Dat vas perty stupit!" said Sven
"vy vas dat so stupit?" asked Ole
"Because," Sven replied, "now ve gonna hafta pee in da boat."

Ole was getting ready to go to work one day when Lena stopped him and complained, "Ole, the vashing machine is broke down don't ya know, I vant ya to fix it!". Ole walked out the door yelling, "Lena, vat do I look like, the Maytag repairman?"

That evening when Ole got home Lena was standing in the yard and said to Ole, "Ole, my car it von't start! Please Ole, fix my car". Ole kept walking into the house yelling, "Lena, Lena, vat do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

The next day when Ole came home from work Lena said, "Look Ole, the car, it is fixed and the vashing machine, it is vorking too! Lars down da road come by and I asked him if he would fix it for me".

"And vat did he charge ya for doin' it?", Ole asked.

Lena replied, "Vell Ole, he said he would do it for sex or if I baked him a cake."

"What kind of a cake did you make him?", asked Ole

Lena replied, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?".

Ole and Lena were going to get married, and Lena went to the Dr. to have a physical. After examining her the Dr. came out to Ole and said "Ole, I have to tell you, Lena has acute angina". Ole replied, " Ya, and she haas a cute fanny too". (Thanks Larson Family!)

Ole and Lars worked on a construction crew. One day Lars noticed that the foreman always left the project about an hour early.

"Say Ole," suggested Lars, "Why don't WE take off a little early too... yust like da foreman." So they agreed to try it.

As soon as Ole got home, he looked all over for Lena. Finally he opened the bedroom door...and there she was in bed with the foreman. Ole silently closed the door and tiptoed out of the house.

The next day, Ole confronted Lars. "Ve better not try anudder stunt like ve did yesterday. I almost got caught!" (Thanks for the joke Craig)

Ole goes into the bar after Lena had been out of town for a long while. He was in a bad mood and getting meaner by the drink. He ran out of money and the bartender says "ya get nothin'free around here unless you do three things."

"First go and throw that burley guy at the end of the bar out of here." "He is the toughest son-of-a-gun that I know." "Then after you get rid of him go out back and pull that bad tooth out from my snarley old dog. You’ll hear him out there growling." "Last there is my 80 year old grandma upstairs who hasn’t had sex in twenty years, go make her happy."

Ole says, "Oh no!" and keeps drinkin his last drink. He finally finishes and says, "okay, now I’m ready for that mean son-of-a-bitch". He goes over and all of a sudden chairs are crashin, bottles breakin, lots of slugin and Ole throws him out and comes back to the bar still standin and says, "Now I’m ready for that dog". Ole heads out back and all you can hear is growlin and hollerin' and it sounds like the dog is winning. This goes on for 10-15 minutes and finally the old dog starts whimpering.

Ole comes stagerin' in and back up to the bar and says to the bartender. "Now, where is your old Grandma with the bad tooth?". (Thanks Luigi)

"Grandma." said Little Ole, "How old are you?"

"Never you mind, Little Ole," answered Grandma. Dar is yust some tings
liddle boys shouldn't ask."

"Vell," said Little Ole, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now, Liddle Ole...dat's anudder qvestion you shouldn't ask your
Grandma," she said.

A few days later, Little Ole confronted his Grandma

"Grandma," he said, "I know how old you are. And I know how much you
weight. I found out from your drivers license...and I also found out...
you got an "F" in sex."

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"Thank You" to all who have shared their jokes with me.
If you have any Ole and Lena or Norwegian jokes to share please send them to me at:

mbclennon@hotmail.com

Updated July 29, 2004

Posted 10-4-96

Page seen over 14759 times!.
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