"OLE AND LENA"
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Ole and Lena
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Sven and Ole are visiting a relative in Texas. Walking along the street, they see a sign on a store front which reads: Suits $5.00 each Shirts $2.00 Trousers $2.50 per pair. Sven says to his pal, "Hey Ole! LOOK! We could buy a whole lot of dem, and ven ve get back to Minnesota, ve could make a fortune. Now ven ve go in the shop, you be quiet, okay? Yust let me do all da talkin' cause if dey hear our Minnesota accent dey might tink ve are dumb Norwegians and try to raise da price. But, I can speak with a perfect Texas drawl." They go in and Sven drawls out an order for 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. The owner of the shop says, "You're from Minnesota, aren't you?" "Uff da!" says a surprised Sven. "How'd you know dat?" The owner says, "Cause this is a dry-cleaners." (Thanks Andy M in Rochester, Minnesota)

Sven & Ole, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota, head for the fair in Duluth. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel. "Oh, Ole," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von." Ole, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me." "Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat ride." Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to admit after the ride that it was kind of fun.
After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster. "Oh Ole," says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat." "Oh, I don't tink so." says Ole. "Dat looks very dangerous to me." "Vell," says Sven. "You give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat roller coaster." Again Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up on the roller coaster. Ole had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so bad.
After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump. "Oofdah!" exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust look at dat, Ole. Dose people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it." "Oh, I don't tink so," says Ole. "Dat's much too dangerous. Dis is vare I draw da line." "Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go up on dat tower and yump off vit me." "Ya, I give you a good reason," says Ole. "I came into dis vorld because of a broken rubber and, by jimminy, I'm not going to leave it da same vay." (Thanks Hiedi Mae)

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, OK."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."

OLE and Lena are getting pretty old...they're in their 80s now and they get to town every week. Well, Ole spotted this wonderful pair of alligator shoes in the window of the shoe store and boy he sure did like the looks of em. Every week while Lena was doin her shopping at the Market Basket...(that is their favorite Grocery store ya know) Ole would mosey down the street to the shoe store and look at dem alligator shoes. One week he saw that they were running a special sale on them and he just couldn't resist so he bought them and put them on right in the store.
Ven they got home Ole says to Lena: "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
Lena looked him over and answered: "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"
Well Ole got a little frustrated and went into the bathroom. There he stripped right down to his complete nakedness except for dem nice looking alligator shoes. So he comes out in all his beauty, with nothing on him except his new alligator shoes and looks at Lena, and says: "So Lena, do you notice anything different?"
Lena(squints) and says: "What's different Ole? It's hanging down today; it was hangin down yesterday, and it will be hanging down tomorrow."
Ole gets pretty steamed at her and blurts out: "Do you know why it's hanging down, Lena? Cause it's looking at my new shoes!!!!!"
Lena replies, "You should have bought a hat."
(Thanks to the person who sent this...please send me your name again and I will give credit where credit is due!).

Ole came home one night and said to Lena, "That yanitor, Yon Yonson, is the vorst man in the vorld. He's had an affair with every voman in this apartment building but one."
Lena: "Vell, I vonder who that could be. It must be that snooty Mrs. Peterson."
(Thanks Thelma J.)

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Lena hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink."Ya know," Lena said, "it is so hodt I tink I'll have myself zee coldt beer." The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Lena blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker
(Thanks Melissa P.)

Ole was out drinking one night and got really drunk. When he got back home, he discovered that he had lost his billfold but couldn't remember where. His friend Lars agreed to help him out. "Try to remember what the bar looked like," he said. "What color were the walls?" Ole said, "They were gold color. The bar was gold. Everting vas gold. Even the urinals in the men's room were gold." So Lars got on the phone and started calling all the bars, asking them what color their walls were. The first said blue, the next green, and so on. He finally hit one that said "Gold." Lars asked, "What color is your bar?" "Gold," was the reply. Lars: "What color are the urinals in the men's room?" He heard a voice in the background: "Hey, Sven, I tink ve found de feller dat peed in your saxophone."
(Thanks Thelma J.)

Did you hear that Lena passed away? Her last request was to be buried at sea.
Sadly, Ole drowned trying to dig her grave. (Thanks Claire L.)

Ole and Lena decided to stop at da bar to have a drink...well, one led to another until they were getting kind'a loopy. In walks Sven, and he's already kind'a loopy 'cuz he's been drinking down at da udder bar. Dey all keep drinkin until dey are getting pretty drunk, when Sven and Lena head out da door. After a little bit Ole sees dat his Lena is missing, and he starts looking for her. He looks around until he looks in da back seat of his car and see Sven and Lena just a goin-at-it! Ole walks into the bar laughing like crazy. "Hey Ole, whatcha laughin about?", says the barkeep. "Oh dat darn Sven," says Ole, "He's so darn drunk he tinks he's me!" (Thanks Daniel J. H.)

Lena had been swimming all her life, and she was pretty good. Finally one day she made it to the Olympics. She was in first place, but she needed to win the last race to get the gold. It was the breast stroke, the gun went off, and she was doing really good. But soon all the other girls started beating her. It took her forever to finish. After the race everyone asked her, "Lena, what happened to you?" She said, "Vel it vas da breast stroke, and dos girls vere usin' der arms!" (Thanks Charlotte L.)

Ole was talking to his neighbor Sven. Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new blinds." "Vhy?" Ole asked. "Vel last night I saw, you and Lena, vel you know." Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha ha Sven, da jokes on you, I vasn't home last night!" (Thanks Charlotte L.)

Did you hear about the Norwiegan who thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet? (Thanks Robert Sterud)

Ole got a new rifle and he is real proud of it.
He says to Lena, "I'm goin' over to show Sven my new rifle".
So Ole goes to Sven's house and he says, "Sven, take a look at da new rifle I got."
Sven looks through the scope and says, "Ole, I can see all the way to your house."
"And Ole, I can see Lars at da door."
"Ole, Lena is lettin Lars in your house."
"Oh Ole, Lena is taking Lars Upstairs to da bedroom."
"Oh my Ole, Lena and Lars are naked in the bedroom."
Well, by this time Ole is real mad. He says "Sven, I vant you to shoot the hell out of them,if you don't I vill"
"Shoot Lena in the head and Lars in the Pecker."
So Sven Loads two shells in the chamber, cocks the gun, and looks through the scope. Then he ejects one shell an says "I think I can get dem both vit vun shot". (Thanks to whoever sent this joke...I lost your name...Sorry).

Ole was going on a trip to Norway and after boarding the plane he sat down in seat 16A. After a few minutes the passenger assigned to seat 16A came along and pointed out to Ole that he was in the wrong seat. Ole told the other passenger that he was comfortable where he was and the other passenger could find another seat. The passenger tried to convince Ole to move by showing him his ticket and seat assignment. Ole refused to move.
In frustration, the passenger went to see the stewardess and told her what had happened. The stewardess spoke to Ole at length but was unable to convince him to move. The stewardess got very vocal with Ole and after coming to the verge of losing her temper she gave up and went to see if the captain could help.
The captain came back to Ole, bent down toward Ole's ear and whispered something. Ole jumped to his feet and ran back to his proper seat. The other passenger and the stewardess were astonished that the captain could get Ole to move so easily. They asked him what he whispered to Ole. The captain said "I just told him that 16A wasn't going to Norway." (Thanks Steve J)

Sven and Ole went hunting for deer one day. As good hunters always do, they stopped to ask the farmer permission to hunt. The farmer agreed to let the two hunt, but warned them that he had a very large farm and it was easy to become lost. He told the two hunters that if they got lost to fire three shots into the air and he would come get them. This sounded like a good plan and they were off. About a half hour later the two found themselves totally lost. Sven said "Ole, I beleive ve be lost, you better fire three shots into de air." "Ya, I tink you're right
Sven," said Ole "ve better get dat farmer going." So Ole fires three shots into the air with great expectations of seeing the farmer. A half hour passes and no farmer. Sven says "Ole, I tink you better fire three more shots into the air, the farmer has not come yet." "I can't" said Ole "I run out of arrows." (Thanks Brad S.)

Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it.
"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed the sign in your yard that says 'Boat For Sale,'but you don't even have a boat. All you have is your old John Deere tractor and combine.
Ole replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale." (Thanks Melissa G.)

Sven got a new truck ya know. So he called up ole and says "Ole I got me a new truck! Do ya vant to go ice fishin' vith me?" "Sure!" says Ole. So Ole vent vith Sven (Lena came along too cuz' she was doin' nuttin anyway) So Ole and Lena sat in the front of the truck and Sven sat in the back. Then dey vere on de ice ven all of de sudden de truck vent right through the ice! So even though Ole and Lena are pretty big people dey managed to get out of the truck, and they vere waiting for Sven at the top then he finally popped up. Ole says,"Sven vat took you so long!" "Vell"says Sven,"It took me a while to figure out how to open the gate (Thanks sauer)

One day Ole goes in to see his doctor. Ole says, "Doc, I yust don't know vat to do. Lena and me, vell, our sex life yust ain't going dat vell." The doctor says, "Ole, all you need is some exercise. I want you to walk ten miles every day. You give me a call in a week and let me know how you're doing." So, a week later the phone rings and the doctor answers it. A voice on the other end says, "Doc, dis is Ole." The doctor says, "Hello Ole. Have you been walking ten miles every day?" Ole says, "Yes." The doctor asks, "And has your sex life improved?" Ole replies, "Well, how da hell vould I know? I'm seventy miles avay from home!" (Thanks Kathy W)

Lena decides that she want to get in shape. She vows to exercise a little every morning before she gets out of bed. One morning, near the end of her exercise routine, she is feeling particularly limber. So, as she's laying on the bed, she kicks her feet up and over her head. But she gets her ankles caught in the headboard. Lena could hear Ole in the bathroom brushing his teeth. So, she called out, "Ole! Ole! Come quick!" Ole came rushing into the bedroom. When he saw Lena with her feet caught behind her head, he said with disgust "Lena, put in your teeth and comb your hair. Youlook like an a--hole!" (Thanks Kathy W.)

Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Ole replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?" (Thanks Kathy W.)

Ole was fishing with Sven in a rented boat. They could not catch a thing. Ole said, " Let's go a vit vurther down stream." So they did then they caught many monsterous fish. They had their limit so they went home. On the way home Sven said,"I marked de spot right in de middle of de boat Ole." "You stupid," said Ole," How do you know ve vill get the same boat next time!" (Thanks Mark O.)

Sven and Ole were out deer hunting. Sven and Ole had been on the hunt for more than a week and Ole really missed Lena. Sven and Ole finally saw a doe with her head caught in a barbed wire fence. Sven pointed his gun at the deer. "Don't shoot it yet,Sven" said Ole. "I really miss da vife so give me a minute." Ole went and had sex with the doe from behind. "Dat vas really good Sven", said Ole, "vould you like to try it too?" "I suppose", said Sven, " but do I have to stick my head in da fence?"(Thanks Andre)

Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder. Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents.
"Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception yust vunce?" plead Lena.
"Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."
At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many vords can I send to my husband for a dime?"
"It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered.
Lena pondered her delimma, then finally said, "OK, here's da message:
"COMFORTABLE".
(Thanks Jim from Tualatin)

One hot summer evening Ole and Sven were driving along in the country, just driving along and drinking some beer. After a while of drinking and driving Ole's driving wasn't so good any more and before ya know it Ole sees red lights flashing in his rear view mirror.

"Quick", Ole tells Sven, "tear the labels off dem der beer bottles, I got an idea!". Ole pulls over and Sven does as he's told. Before the police officer gets up to the car Ole grabs the labels and slaps one on each of their forheads.

The officer approaches Ole's car and says, "Ole, I suspect you and Sven here has been drinking". Ole says, "no occifer, we quit drinking, see...were on the patch!". (Thanks Joan Schmidt)

Ole, a Swede, fell in love with a Norwegian girl whose name was Lena. They decided to get married, much to the dismay of Ole's family. They thought he could do better to marry a Swede, but finally consented. A few years following, Ole met an old friend. His friend said, "Ole, what have you been doing all these years?" Ole replied, "Well for one thing, I married a Norwegian girl. She isn't much to look at, but I love her very much." His friend said, "Do you have any children?" Ole replied, "No, but we have purchased a little monkey, and he has become like one of the family. He even sits at the table with us at meal time." His friend said, "That's disgusting." And Ole said, "Not only that, but he sleeps between us at night." His friend replied, "That's the awfulest thing I've ever heard, what about the smell." Ole said, "Well, he's got to get used to it just like I did."

Ole to a doctor at Mayo Clinic: "I've got a problem. I have a bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day."
Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?"
Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7." (Thanks Kurt M.)

Vell, Ole and Lena, dey is gettin on in years now, and vun day dey vas out in the car and Ole sees the blue lights flashing in the mirror. So he pulls over and the policeman there in Ballard say "Ole, what the heck you doin?!?"
"Vell", says Ole, "Lena and I, ve vent over der to the Safeway and got some things for our dinner, and now ve yust going over to the drugstore for our pills..."
"OLE!" says the cop, "Lena fell out four blocks back!!"
"Oh, tank God" said Ole, "I tot I vas goin' deaf!" (Thanks Steven S.)

Ole and Lena were laying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "well, how the hell should I know, thats over 2,000 miles away" and he hung up. Lena say's "who was that Ole?", Ole say's "hell if I know, some weirdo wants to know if the coast is clear." (Thanks Amy S.)

Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota and were becoming desperate having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.

The genie says, "I am da great genie of Nordern Minnesota and I can grant each of you vun vish."

Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof, Ole was gone.

Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole." Poof, Lena was gone.

Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "Sven, vat is your vish?" and Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena were back here with me". (Thanks Joe from Arizona)

One cold fall day Ole and Lena were out for their customary drive in the country. Suddenly Lena cried out, "Ole, stop da car deres a dead skunk by da side of da road! "So vat", Ole said. "But Ole, der's a bunch of baby skunks standing aroun her and dey look so cold."
So Ole stopped the car and Lena got out and gathered the baby skunks in her apron.
After a while Lena noticed that the little skunks were still shivering. She said."Ole, the poor skunks are still cold, vat shoul I do?"
"Vell vy don't you hike up your skirt and put dem down der ver its varm?"
"Ya Ole, but vat about da smell?"
"Oh, de vill get use to it." (Thanks Steveo)

More "Ole and Lena"

"Thank You" to all who have shared their jokes with me.
If you have any Ole and Lena or Norwegian jokes to share please send them to me at:

mbclennon@hotmail.com

Updated July29, 2004

Posted 10-4-96

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